When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have
increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but
that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him
kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby
60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't
worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes
later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds
later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him
how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never
question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list
of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That
is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon,
since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes
it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did
not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima
rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more
"humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses
them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you
may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're
thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you
are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they
attack.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's
bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and
five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard
that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by
Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
